At a distance Abner was running as fast as he could hoping that he would not miss the selection. Only ten remained. People held their breath not knowing who the chosen one would be. Abner ran ......crossed the village nearing the grounds......by now only three remained. Everyone waited in anticipation ....yet another participant walked away as he was not selected.....now only two remained.....a young lady who looked like she had been trained for dueling with spear and a mage who seemed to turn pale by the atmosphere of suspense. The lady came forward.....hesitating every step she took...drawing nearer and nearer to the orb.....the orb which was dark all the time suddenly glowed for a split second....but went dark again......she walked away......at that very moment every one present in the ground burst into applause considering that the guardian was the mage who stood there frozen not knowing what to do.....Abner made it just in time to witness the mage who was declared to be the chosen one approaching the orb. He stood in front of the orb….nothing happened. Getting impatient the mage paced his palm on the orb. At that very moment a strong repelling force hit the mage hard on his chest ad he was thrown back with a great force. All the people who were a moment ago cheering for their “supposed to be” new guardian became silent. They all looked at the orb confused…..even Rolan didn’t understand what just happened. Abner pushed himself through the crowd to see what was going on. Suddenly the orb started glowing with great intensity. Every one was blinded by the light emitted by the orb. Slowly the intensity of the light decreased…but it continued to glow. Rolan glared at the orb with eyes wide open. Then something very strange happened. The orb emitted a distinct ray of red light towards the crowd. People jumped out of its way trying to avoid it. Abner couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He was completely stunned. Though he tried Abner was unable to move out of the way. His felt like his feet were glued to the ground. The ray of light collided with Abner and within no time he was completely engulfed in red light. Only the outline of his body was visible. The orb began to deform itself. It turned into what looked like raw source of energy expanding itself into a definite shape. The energy grew lager and larger and after sometime there was a huge explosion. All the people ran blindly in random directions to save themselves from the explosion. The entire ground was covered by a layer of smoke and dust rising in the air. As the smoke slowly started to clear out everyone was bewildered on the sight of something spectacular…something that mesmerized all the people. It was the sight of a dragon. The dragon was as tall as two men from head to toe. In addition to its four grasping limbs, it had large taloned wings a long powerful neck and a spiked tail. The dragon’s body was completely covered with tough shiny red scales that overlapped each other very neatly. It’s under wings were completely black. It stood there motionless, its huge red eyes constantly staring into Abner’s who was just standing just a few feet away from the dragon. Abner slowly walked towards the dragon. He was not in control of his motion. He was afraid to approach it, yet a strong force attracted him towards the dragon. Ariana seeing him walking towards the dragon shouted helplessly,” Abner! No!” She ran towards him when Rolan caught Ariana by her hand and said calmly,” There is nothing to worry, your son s the chosen one. And the dragon is his companion which resembles his valiant and brave heart.” Ariana looked at Rolan and then towards Abner who was now facing the dragon both staring into each other’s eyes intensely. Abner lifted his hand and moved it over the dragon’s head. Then he put his hand down and walked a step back as the dragon stretched its wings. Rolan and the king came forward. Ariana came running to Abner and hugged him tightly. Arian said as she wiped her tears “Abner! Are you all right? I was so worried about you!” Abner said weakly “Mother, I am fine. But I can’t believe what happened now” Rolan smiled at Abner as he walked towards him and said,” Welcome my boy. You are the fifth guardian. “The Flame Guardian”. From now you bear great responsibilities on your shoulders. Be humble with the extraordinary power that you are gifted with.” All the people present in the ground slowly walked forward. Rolan continued,” This fabulous companion of yours is a uniquely powerful dragon gifted with powers of the element fire. From now you and your dragon share a bonding with each other which you have to strengthen. Love your companion, win his trust.” ”Anyways! What name have you decided to keep for your dragon Abner?” smiled Rolan. Abner looked back at the dragon who was now exploring the surroundings which were totally new to him. Suddenly the name “Amber” came to his mouth. “Amber eh? Well the name symbolizes the dragon quiet well!” said Rolan. Abner nodded still unable to swallow the incident that occurred moments ago which has now changed his life completely. The entire crowd applauded for their new guardian, Abner. People went up to him and congratulated him, patted him on his back. Everyone looked happy. But this happiness was short lived. Moments later the skies suddenly turned dark. The ground rumbled. All the people were silenced. Amber looked agitated. He stood up high and roared. Rolan stood alert, his staff glowing brightly. The air turned cold and dry. All of a sudden the ground started shaking and dark figures rose from the ground like ghosts. They had a murky appearance. Like shadows they moved. People ran blindly to save their lives. Amber immediately locked his eyes at two dark figures approaching towards him. He opened his mouth wide open, exposing a set of razor sharp teeth and shot a ball of flame at them. The ball of flame hit the two dark figures and exploded killing them at the spot. Rolan quickly got down and positioned his staff towards the sky. The dark figures seemed to completely draw life out of the people who came in their way intentionally or unintentionally. Rolan was murmuring some chants under his lips. Four dark figures headed for Abner who was looking for his mother. They surrounded him and began to suck the life out of Abner as he looked at them helplessly. He felt his feet turn numb. He no longer had the strength to support himself on his feet. As he knelt down felling weak and helpless from a distance he saw the staff of Rolan emit a light blue wave which spread all over the ground…..and then everything went dark.
Please leave ur comments, it is a part of the book that i'm writing?
Decent story, has a lot of potential, however, your "voice" keeps changing throughout the piece. One moment it is using 'past' descriptive and another it uses 'present'. It weakens the story a bit and if you fix it, it should increase the impact your story has when read. Also, you might want to try more description on what your main character is feeling.
"Abner ran ......crossed the village nearing the grounds......by now only three remained. Everyone waited in anticipation ....yet another participant walked away as he was not selected.....now only two remained.....a young lady who looked like she had been trained for dueling with spear and a mage who seemed to turn pale by the atmosphere of suspense."
Ok, for one, that is a really long couple of sentences that could be shortened and their impact intensified with a few changes. Maybe like this: "Abner ran as fast as his legs could carry him, his breath heaving in and out of his chest with exertion, sweat pouring down his back to drench his shirt. Nearing the grounds, he saw that only three more contestants remained. His heart skipped a beat, his pulse throbbing in his veins with elation or dread, he couldn't tell which. Tension coiled through the air, thick and insidious as another competitor hung his head in defeat, exiting the grounds. Abner tripped into the clearing, excitement crawling through his veins as he took in the scene around him. Only two participants left. One was a young girl, tall and proud, holding a wicked looking spear in a dainty hand. The second was obviously a mage, his complexion so pale that it seemed to fluctuate with the mounting anticipation."
Ok, that might not be very good, but what I'm trying to say is that giving a few more details like that throughout your story helps carry the reader along with it, makes them feel almost like they are the ones living this scene instead of the main character. If you can do that, give more details and use high impact words, you should be able to turn this good story into a great one.
Hope that helps.
PS: "Amber's eyes locked instantaneously with his as two dark figures loomed closer."
"His strength gone, he stumbled and fell to his knees. Helpless, he could only stare as Rolan raised his staff high in the air, then shoot out a cerulean wave that encompassed everything in it's path before his world went dark."
I know some of the things I wrote as a suggestion are not how you wrote it or meant it to sound, but you can easily fix that to make it your own. I just wanted to show you a few things that might help.
Reply:I'd be glad to help. ;) Report It
Reply:i like it.
skates
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