Is there anyone out there?

Thats the name of my story -- I'm writing a book.


Please read this first chapter, please it would mean so much. I'm sorry its long but I need to know if its good enough for later on publishing!





Chapter One --





One day, an ordinary typical 15 year old girl was anxiously waiting for her last class to end, because of course it's Spring Break! Announcements come on and





shes patiently sitting doodling in her notebook trying to wait until the voices disappear from the P.A. Finally! Everyone is like a herd of animals, scrambling out of the class





room to enjoy they're spring break. Now this "ordinary, typical 15 year old girl" well she couldn't be more excited just like everyone else, except one thing. Friends. Where





are her friends? She is so caring and supportive, and not to mention thoughtful. She get's ignored most of the time, and I would say she has many more aquantinces then





friends. This girl, does she even know what friends really are? She just looks for someone to talk to, hang out with. Spring Break, and she has no plans. She never has





plans. She walks in the hallways looking at all the distant faces catch up to her and pass her. Sometimes she asks, do they stare at me for I am ugly? Or do they stare at





me for my appearnce lacks in almost everything. Well schools over and she has a whole week to do anything she wants -- well, not exactly anything but you get my point.





Monday she heads for New York to visit her grandfather and she is estatic, she can't wait to get out of Massachusettes. I mean seriously, the name even brings bore to





ones ears! But now its only 2:15 and she is here for 2 more hours until her next ride. She asks an "aquintance" for a ride home, but the girl said for its best if she just





waits for her own ride since she has to get her eyebrows waxed promplty at 4:00. Jeese, that girl was being a little inconsiderate don't you think? Well anyway, since she





has no ride until 4:00 what does she do for those 120 minutes of casual free time? Well, mostly everyone is gone, out enjoying there first day of Spring Break. The library





where computer labs are stored are closed and theres no one around. She heads outside and sits on the concrete cool steps. Sitting there with her iPod plugged in her ears silently singing along to her favorite mix she starts to get sweaty from the sun beating down on her face. She sulks around school wishing she had some real friends. She's usually always lonely or alone so it's not like this was any suprise for her. She then see's her "use to be bestfriend forever" with her new cliche of Varsity Tracksters. Enjoy slurpees and laughing outside is watch she caught glimpse of. She sort of missed that, being friends. Once she saw her see her looking at them from the corner she turned away and went back to the upper level of school. She then snapped out of that thought of her old friend because now here is she and she can't go back and change anything because what was done is over with and gone. She heads back up the stairway, only the 5th time in the past half hour. Pacing around the hallways trying to waste time in a weird but casual manner. In front of her face was the solid thick door holding up a Womens Bathroom sign. As peculiar as this sounds, the restroom was always there for her. She'd walk in and catch glimpes at her face, but she didn't go in there just to look at herself. For this girl hated herself more then anyone could know. The images she saw reflect back into her eyes gave her disgust and sadness. Who is this girl? Her thin brittle curly hair and pimples covered up by the wrong colored foundation. Eyeshadow in all sorts of colors, just clumped together to maybe hopefully minimize the size of her huge brown eyes. Not only does she critcize her image daily, more then on a usual basis like typical teens, but the two things that depress her more each day is her nose and her height. 15 years old and shes only standing at 5'1 with a skinny figure, sometimes being secretly talked about because she looks anerxic. And that nose? Well it could have its own name as well. It only covered most of her face and its structure was absurd and unruly. It hangs long and wide sort of like an elephants nose or pinnoichio's. She can't manage to look at herself for more then 3 minutes at most because of this digusting reflection staring back at her. So the only thing that comforts her is sitting inside the bathroom stall. It's odd isn't it. She sits there and takes out a pen and paper and jots down her feelings while still listening to her favorite mix on her iPod. Sometimes if shes that hopeless she'll take out a book to take her mind to a different state of being, some place better then where she is now. But then she stops and thinks to herself, "what the hell am I doing? I'm sitting here all by myself, not to mention I'm sitting in a bathroom stall!" She wants to cry herself until she is completely numb. The hollow space in her heart just keeps shriveling every second that goes by. Is it because her Dad disappeared and left her without goodbyes at nine years old, and doesn't care about her at all? Or maybe its the fact her mother is a hopeless romantic and falls for every guy she meets and she left her and her brother for a boyfriend? It might as well could be that her little brother never gets to brighten her face with a smile because they don't see eachother much. Or it could be the fact she's been under the guardianship of her grandparents for countless years because her mother made bad choices and her father gave up and left. Maybe its because the only one guy she ever truly loved never loved her in return but hid his real feelings and they missed out on a chance at a true relationship? Is it the 18 months that she's been depressed because his distant face is no longer visible in the crowd of strangers? She's almost ready to burst into confession and say how she's so sorry for everything but what would she do that for? She believes in the hope of God and heaven but why do people have to deal with the bad deck of cards in life? Is there no good outlook in the end for them? So she takes her pen, her only friend and writes. She could write for hours at end so she takes her time, sitting in the bathroom stall, writing. Suddenly she is disrupted by a outburst of knocks. She takes her notebook, and iPod and quickly stuffs it in her bag. It's only the lady ganitor -- but it was definetely an akward and embarassing situation. She leaves the bathroom, her only comfort and security at school. She walks past her locker and grabs her jacket and then looks out the windows surrounding the hallway. She sees the Lacrosse team running and struggling to catch the flying ball rapidly pace throughout the air. It reminds her of what she feels like -- she's running just like them, but she's ending up no where and she too is struggling, struggling but ending up in the same situation she was in before. She then heads down the stairway, adding up to a 6th time today. She walks back over to the footsteps of the front building and slowly sits herself down while hiding her disgraceful appearance. She looks into the distance and see's the light aqua grand marque pull up into the parking lot, her grandmother's finally here.. Arguments arise and her and her old and distant "best friend forever" hop in the car ready to start their vacation. Sad by the way her last 2 hours were spent roaming throughout the hallways and silently writing in the bathroom stall she gets in the car and stares at the rear view mirror. What a dismaying appearance she thinks to herself, and then she see's her old "best friend forever"in the back looking right at her, so then she looks away. She finally reaches home and she goes right up to her bedroom and enjoys the collage of serenity and oceans displayed on her walls. She feels finally atleast free and safe of worries --- for now anyway. But there once again the mirror leans against her wall -- not one mirror but many. Three to be exact. And she walks to each mirror taking a glimpse of her disgraceful appearance. She knows she will only get more depressed if she keeps staring at this girl in the mirror -- this girl she barley even knows or understands. So she takes a few steps back and turns away. For this shiny image of flaws does not satisfy her in anway at all. She then takes a look at her guitar collecting dust in the black case, she always tried to learn the basic chords but her fingers did not comply with the notes she wanted to accomplish. So for now, the acoustic guitar sits in the corner under the beautiful fake palm tree in the corner of her room. She walks over to her bed, and lays on the soft cotton of her bed sheet and rests her head on her pillow. And that is where the dream began -- or should I say reality, and that is when you find out that this girl is me.

Is there anyone out there?
I admire the concept of the story, but you are going in the wrong direction as far as telling it.





Don't be in such a rush to tell it. The opening was engaging (who doesn't wait for the final bell,) but describe the setting a little more. The opening is important for introducing the protagonist and other characters.





From what I read, I noticed that you jump from idea to idea. Take your time and establish the settings of each scene. (I got lost after the school scene but I was able to manage.)





I love the ending. How you wrote: "And that is where the dream began -- or should I say reality, and that is when you find out that this girl is me." Make the opening sequence seem more like a dream or not (if you want to surprise the reader.)





Add a little more description and a few more characters to enhance the scenes. Also, make your style more mellifluous. Write with a style that flows from one scene to the next in order to keep the reader engaged.





Other than those errors your story caught my attention.


E-mail me if you need anymore help with your story.





(I expect to see "Is There Anyone Out There" on the store shelves as a New York Times Bestsellers one day.)
Reply:i'm not reading that
Reply:It is really good I just finished reading it and i think That it is a really good start for a good book. I don't know if u r writing because the same situation happened to you or because u just invented . Anyway just finish your book. Don't give up?
Reply:Thats great :]
Reply:try putting it in the girls(your) point of veiw not the authors(yours)





if you can understand what im saying
Reply:I'm with Heavens Curse I'm not reading all of that
Reply:omg thats so long!
Reply:i don't like the way you write. and i got bored reading it so i didn't finish...just being honest,
Reply:i wouldn't write this on yahoo because someone can plagiarize it, especially if you don't have a copyright.
Reply:Wow.... this book was really really good. I really felt that you showed real relationships between each character. Good Job!
Reply:Hi there,


Its not great. the story itself has potential i guess. If it is a really interesting story (all of it) maybe you could get someone else to actually write it for you? Its a biography I take it?





Definietly get someone who is a writer to help you out.





Sorry if thats negative, but I hope its constructive.
Reply:yea alittle needs alittle more.


better words so actually reading this might be exciting and wanting someone to have more suspense. Its good but i dont know where you can publish it.

horns