JOKE TIME AGAIN
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they
had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure
out what was wrong.
As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the
altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a
fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and
mess with the lady's mind.
In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus.
Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying
her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and
tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers
will be answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath
of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS
CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR
MOTHER!"
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped at a fast-food restaurant for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are . very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said:
"Burrrrrrr-gerrrrrr Kiiiiiing."
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The
girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no
idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband then."
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. "
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible. "
A blonde goes into aDunkin Donuts and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize."
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
"Arizona Vacation"
On doctor's orders, Johnny had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
Johnny's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
"Airline Ticket"
As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a
man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't
happy with the price of $59 per ticket.
"I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted,
saying he would accept a flight at any time. I managed
to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. "I'll take it,"
he said, then worried his wife might not like the
early hour.
I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he
changed the reservation.
"Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's
fifty bucks?"
"Twelve of the Most Terrifying Things to Hear"
1. The dentist says: "This won't hurt a bit."
2. The IRS announces: "We are simplifying the tax
forms."
3. Your lawyer says: "This is an air-tight case-- you
can't lose."
4. Your stock broker says: "This little drop in the
market is just a minor correction."
5. Your physician says: "You're in great shape--
you'll live to be 100!"
6. Your business partner says: "Nothing can possibly
go wrong."
7. Your best friend says: "Trust me--
I'll never tell a soul."
8. The directions on a do-it-yourself kit say:
"Even a child can do it."
9. Your colleagues say: "We're behind you 100%--
we'll back you up."
10. Someone giving you directions says:
"You can't miss it."
11. The airline pilot announces: "Just a bit of
turbulence folks-- nothing to worry about."
12. A voice on the telephone says: "Congratulations!
You're an instant winner!"
"Fishing on Sunday"
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached
against fishing on Sunday.
The next day, one of his members presented him with a fine
string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell
you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday."
The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled
trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The
fish aren't to blame for that."
"Cross-eyed Bear"
A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday.
He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something
happened in Sunday School class that he would like to talk about.
He told his mother, "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher
made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I
can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel
bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such
a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman's
amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning.
Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother,
"I know what Jeffrey's talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear!'"
"Benefits of Tithing"
Two men off for a sailing trip around the world are shipwrecked. The
minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and
yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No
water! We're going to die!"
The second man comfortably propped himself up against a palm tree and
acted so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?! ?
We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What
difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no
water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered with a confident smile, "No, you just don't get
it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a
week. Our church is getting ready to start a building program. My
pastor and the finance committee will find me"
Milestone jokes?
LOL.
u got lots of good jokes...really enjoy reading it ..thanks for sharing the jokes.really cheer my day ...
Reply:ssweet
Reply:EXCELLENT...I liked the scale one!
Reply:12 jokes all in the same post? Pretty good jokes. Thanks
Reply:nice jokes but r u the skyler who goes to SYC? i mite no u lol
SYC? Skylake ?
Reply:They where all really funny jokes
Reply:It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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